During the week I caught up with with a fellow runner who had a fantastic London Marathon. His time came from 4hr+ to a sub 3.30. He agreed to be interviewed for this post. Name changed to assure anonymity.
Pat... Well done John, what do you put your big improvement down to?
John... Well you know like, I did a bit of training like, and prep work as well but I bought these new super shoes and jaysus man they were fantastic. The bees knees, top class, pure mule man…!
Pat... That is brilliant, can you tell me what shoe type you wore.?
John... It was the Mickey Mouse Zero Fly-by’s 9.0.1 with the go-faster stripe on the side. I was bouncing off the road so much I had to be careful I didn’t hit my head off the low bridges. My wife said I was moving like Roo from Winnie the Pooh. I was a Johnny Dazzler type, I even had to put sunglasses on while I was wearing them. There was bounce from them, it was like running across a new King Koil mattress in a furniture showroom.
Pat... You mention a go-faster stripe on these.
John... Indeed. A little orange strip from front to back and it improves the aero dynamic co-efficient by 0.001% which equates to 6 seconds over an entire marathon. Surely they were worth the small fortune I paid for them, even though we won’t get on any family holiday this year.
Pat... You mentioned training and prep work.
John... Yes I actually trained for this one for 9 months. I did the long and short runs, paced tempo, hills, fartlek, you know the usual stuff you should be doing before a marathon. I was training so much the neighbours starting calling me Kipchoge. Normally I wouldn’t put the runners on until 6 weeks before a marathon. Someone shouted 'Run Forrest Run' at me one day and I don't even look like Tom Hanks.
Pat... I hardly recognized you today, you are looking very fit.
John... Ahhh fair play and thanks. I gave up the fast food and the fry-ups. I only have the occasional beer and I think I’m 2 stone lighter than I was a year ago. I have discovered salads, fresh fruit and vegetables. To be fair, if I died and they buried me tomorrow it would be like planting a human grow-bag.
Pat... Did you do anything else that may have helped?
John... I suppose I did start that ol’ stretching lark. I touched my toes for the first time since P.E. in secondary school. Herself took me to a yoga class one night. ‘In ainm Dé‘, I did more twisting and turning than a politician on Prime Time. I tried a few stretches on the ground at home one day and the dog ran out of the house barking as he thought I was after getting a seizure.
Pat... I’m absolutely thrilled for you but can I ask a hard question. Maybe your improvement was down to your own work, dedication, diet, training and little to do with the shoe you paid so much for.
John... Ahh jeepers no way man. If you spend the big money on the best of gear it must be a guarantee of a good finishing time. If it was that simple a solution with training and diet then why wouldn’t we all be doing it the proper way in the first place.
Interview suspended a minute later as John fainted when reality dawned on him.
#PWR #satire
